To all the friends I’ve loved before,
I wish I was courageous enough to be able to spark a conversation with you and ask you how you’re doing like we never stopped speaking. Instead, I’ve opted to choose the path of least awkward encounters in order to spare my own self-esteem in the off chance that your response or lack thereof would be too crushing for me to handle. So here I am now, patiently sitting in the Hartsfield–Jackson Atlanta International Airport waiting for my flight back to Boston, writing a letter to you on my phone, and hoping one day you will stumble upon these words. And maybe some day after that, one of us will reach out to the other – or maybe not.
At one point in time, I cherished our friendship. I would like to think that you did too. I know that you had a special place in my heart because I deeply cherish all my friendships past and present. I also know that because I still think about you. I wonder if you still think about me. Typically, the thoughts arise when there are things that happen which spark moments we shared together to replay in my mind like a throwback song that plays on the radio. Other times it can happen because we’re still friends on social media and you pop up on my feed (or if I’m really curious then it’s because I’m creeping on what new things you’ve been up to). When thoughts of you resurface, I can’t help but feel a lot of mixed emotions. I would like to think the thoughts are mainly positive because none of my friendships ended due to serious issues (at least I hope not) and so when I do think about you, I tend to be reminded of the good times. However, because I think some of my strongest friendships naturally ended because we each chose no longer to be active participants in each other’s lives, it leaves me in this position wondering why we ever decided to give up on the relationship we spent precious time building.
It’s easy to say it’s one person’s fault. It is easy for me to blame you and maybe for you it is easy to blame me for some disconnect in our relationship that led us both to agree we were better off alone. Or maybe it was because as time progressed we simply grew in opposite directions mentally, physically, or emotionally which caused friction to arise that made us feel like the friendship that we once had was no longer the same and we both didn’t bother to understand how to navigate the friendship differently than how we always approached it. Regardless of the reason, I think it boils down to the fact that we gave up. It was a joint decision to let it all go and therefore it was a mutual agreement to say goodbye.
I hope you didn’t think it was easy for me to let you exit from my life. To this day I still get very heartbroken from losing close friends. It bothers me more than I will ever let anyone know or see because I have this problem where my pride doesn’t allow me to expose my weaknesses and let you know that your absence has an effect on me. Thus, due to my obnoxious ego, I’m left praying that it is just a temporary absence, a long extended hiatus, and that we will reconnect again. However, if life so has it that this is more than temporary and that our story has ended, then I want to thank you for the time we did have together and for helping to shape me into the person I am today.
Even though I have felt emotions like heartbreak and regret, I have also come to terms with reality that friends come and go. The act of a person walking into my life means they also hold the ability to walk out as well. It took me a while to accept this but I’m finally at peace with this concept. You chose to walk into my life at one point in which we were able to share some beautiful moments that I can still look back at and smile. This is the light I choose to shine on you and remember you by, now that you have chosen to walk out. You’re someone who was able to bring me joy and happiness for a period of my life and I appreciate the time that we had together. I hope you remember me in a similar light.
I think if I were to leave you with any last thoughts, it would be that I still care even if I am okay with what our reality is now. I will always care about you and that I wish you all the best. And who knows, maybe one day we will choose to turn around and walk back into the friendship.